just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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