Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
