I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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