Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
