You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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