Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
