guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
