phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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