Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
