She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
