I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
