We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
