We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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