I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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