got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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