Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
