where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
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At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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