If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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