Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
