it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
