girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
