In America we eat man semen.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
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The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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