one might say we're banned from that church
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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