How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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