i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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