So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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