I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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