that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
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