Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
