I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
