New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
