Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
