so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
