he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
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I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
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When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...