I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
