so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
