did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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