My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
