you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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