the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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