You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
