I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I faked an abortion last night.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
