you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
