i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
