When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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