he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize