Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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