The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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