You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Houston, we have a blender
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
