Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
