i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
