I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
