YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Randomize