I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
